I was in bad movie heaven. Italians and North Koreans decided to make a bunch of Titanic movies, and it seems this was a turning point in my life. These provide some of the finest entertainment and WTF moments a boy like me could hope for. This was, of course, made for kids, but they are perfect for lovers of fine trash cinema.
Some highlights…
Three guys bully a White Star Line employee because he politely asks them to leash their dog. They shit talk him, threaten to kill him, and the dog pisses on his shoes.
An evil guy with an eye patch aboard the Titanic wants exclusive world whaling rights. Who can grant that? Apparently a guy on the Titanic. Eye patch (who has a distinct package, by the way) hatches a scheme to sink the ship after forcing this man to sign over the rights to hide the evidence that the document is fraudulent. That’s why the Titanic sank.
The lead girl/love interest goes to the end of the ship crying when she learns she may have to marry eye patch guy. Her tears go into the ocean, and magical talking dolphins levitate out of the water and cast a love spell on her. The dolphins want to save the whales, and they need her help to stop eye patch. This is the Faustian bargain.
Eye Patch’s butler has a magic whistle which summons evil sharks out of the water. The sharks are ex-cons who act as muscle for the whaling operation. The sharks hold the Titanic’s rudder so it steers into an iceberg. The sharks dupe an unsuspecting octopus with a dog nose named Tentacles to place the iceberg in the right spot. When good ole Tentacles figures out what he has done, he saves everyone aboard the Titanic, but the ship still sinks. Captain Smith rides an orca to safety. Eye Patch and his conspirators get onto a lifeboat and presumably freeze to death with his cats. Also, the first lifeboats to get off the ship are chock-full of dudes. Charles Lightoller would not approve.
The telegraph machine is not working because the mice chewed the wires to prevent the whaling messages from getting out. The talking mice aboard then have to repower the telegraph. They find the fattest mouse and tie him to the telegraph line and electrocute his body to power the line, killing him. The main power conductor is his large mustache. You find out later he survived. Lame. It would be like resurrecting Boromir. Also, I clearly watched that mouse die a painful agonizing death, how did he survive? Must not have gone over well with North Korean test audiences. Also, this was directed by a North Korean and apparently got a wide release in North Korea. Have they not suffered enough?
The wedding at the end has an upside down cross. This masterpiece evens ends with a satanic wedding. More of these movies need to be made.
I’m giving this one 10/10 cold dead animated stares.
“Never trust anyone who lives with a cat.”
“The iceberg will cut that ship in half like a bagel!!”
“If they fail, it’s Davy Jones locker for us all!!”
“I hate to be a spoil sport, but I would like to draw to your attention that she’s a human, and you’re a mouse.”
“There’s one thing I’m not, and that’s a racist. That girl is a masterpiece of beauty, and we Brazilians appreciate beauty.”